The Expendables Review

No, no, no, no, no! This was not supposed to go down like this! The movie had Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, and Steve Austin, it was supposed to be the greatest action film ever made. It was supposed to get the blood pumping and the adrenaline flowing. It was supposed to be a throwback to Commando, Cobra, Die Hard, Rambo: First Blood, Death Wish, Road House, Predator, It was supposed to dominate. Why oh why was this movie so boring?

Now before you say, well you’re just looking at a critical standpoint, you’re just looking for directing, acting, and stuff like that. My response to that is no, I went in just wanting a great 80s throwback. I didn’t care about whether it was *good* or not. I just wanted hard hitting action, bodies hitting the floor, explosions, etc. and I kinda got that, it was just in a boring manner.

I remember there being this straight-to-DVD-esque story about some dictator in Cuba and Bruce Willis wants him taken out. I don’t know, it was something along those lines and there was also this boring subplot about Jason…excuse me, Christmas and his girlfriend. It was the whole “I don’t even know what you do” story that has her go to, you guessed it, an abusive boyfriend. Oh and there was something about Dolph…excuse me, Gunner and his addiction to some form of drug. This allowed him to be kicked off the team only to, you guessed it, go to the bad guys. Look, as I said before, I wasn’t expecting this to win Best Original Screenplay at the Oscars but it’s laughably bad.

As is the acting…actually I’m not gonna waste my time on that, it was bad…as were the 1-liners.

The greatest thing about this film is the fact that are so many badass people and the worst thing, even more so then the boredom, is the fact that so many of them are wasted. The only ones who are really used are Sly, Dolph, Jason, and somewhat Jet Li. Terry Crews has a single cool moment and it lasts maybe a minute. Steve Austin has one fight scene, it’s with Sly and it’s so poorly shot that you can really just see that somebody’s fist is going somewhere. I knew Mickey Rourke didn’t even have any action scenes but his big moment was absolutely hilarious and not on purpose.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting both depressed and bored writing this review. This should have been the greatest action film ever made and there are tiny little moments where I saw the movie we should have gotten (Terry Crews’ big moment) and I think that’s why it hurts like so. Most of the action is shot way too close and if they had gotten rid of those unnecessary subplots, the film would have been 10-15 minutes shorter and I might have been more forgiving but for now, I just wish this hadn’t been made.

Cinema Rush rating: 2 out of 10

This (terrible) film came out in theaters last Friday.

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2 Responses to The Expendables Review

  1. LordRune says:

    I’m glad I avoided this one like the plague. My first instinct was “washed up actors get together for one last hurrah” and that pretty much seems to sum it up. Ah, vindication. LOL

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