A Spy at Christmastime

Jane knew I was working, yet I had twelve calls from her in the last six hours. Every half hour, on the dot, I’d get a call; they were always a version of two different messages: “Call me, I’m worried;” “Can you pick up something on your way home.” It was fine, though. It wasn’t as if I was in good ol’ Russia in the middle of winter, trying to stop the Russians from setting off nukes on Christmas morning.

I couldn’t really blame her. This was my first mission since she found out I was a spy. I imagine that’s a stressful concept to hold on to, which is exactly why I never wanted to tell her. Then she threatened divorce if I didn’t tell her honestly where I went for work that led to me coming home not with souvenirs but rather bruises. That wasn’t a fun night, but in the end, she was surprisingly OK with it. Or at least as much as a wife can be.

I had made under the Red Square quite easily. I don’t wanna say I’m great at my job, so I’ll just imply it. I’d actually felt bad that it was so easy to find the door on the side of the Kremlin. The most difficult portion wasn’t even Russia; it was just the weather that gave me pause. Gee, what’s better: The safety of the world or wonderful, delicious heat. It was a rough choice. My thermal suit was manufactured to deliver a constant heat source, but being tested in a room is much different than the suit actually being in the wild.

Once I grabbed the suitcase with the codes, it all hit me that it was a little too easy to pull this off.  Where are all the guards? Why didn’t I get to use my nerve gas? Seriously, where the hell is everyone. All I’d seen coming in were five guards playing poker. These were nuclear codes; stuff that’s kind of a big deal. That was when I heard shuffling everywhere. I slid into the shadows and deployed my suit. Thousands of cameras around the suit took photos of the surrounding area to change the suits color just right. For a spy, I couldn’t speak much Russian, but from what I could tell the guards at been at a Christmas service. That would have been nice to know in advice.

The room was a right squeeze, more of an enlarged piece of a corridor than anything else. One guard sat down in the chair in the far corner, the other sitting down at a table in the middle. That was when it hit me that the suitcase didn’t quite have the same ability to hide as much suit. I slid my foot backwards to nudge it into the shadows, causing a slight scrape on the floor. The guard on the far side heard it and looked up at me. I stopped as dust fluttered out into the light. He said something about seeing a glint in the dark, but I didn’t catch the rest as I jumped out to slam my fist in the back of table guy’s neck. He dropped his gun to the ground as I swung around the table. Corner boy threw a right hook as a call from Jane came through. I yelled “no,” which my earpiece took as “yes.”

“Hey dear, you gonna be back soon,” I heard.

As I threw corner boy onto the table, I grunted out, “Yes, dear, you know that.”

“Oh, are you busy right now?”

“Oh, you know, just fighting Russians for nuke codes. No big deal. How’s home?”

I sent table guy into the wall with a swift kick to the chest. “Oh, it’s just wonderful. Your family said they’ll be here in the morning. Do you think they’ll want breakfast?”

I knew with all the commotion that I didn’t have much time left. I grabbed the suitcase and headed for the stairs. “I doubt it. I’m sure they won’t be there until noon or so. You know how they are,” I said as I tossed a guy over my shoulder and down the stairs. As I burst out from under the Kremlin, hundreds of people took notice.

“Good, cause I didn’t wanna have to go to the store. Although, you’re going for me already,” she said as gunfire erupted behind me. “Oh, honey, was that gunfire?”

“Yes, dear. Hey, look, I should really go. You know how Russians are with their nuke codes.” I pressed my watch in three times, sending out the distress beacon. I’d have airlift in thirty seconds or less. The thing was a real blessing.

“Okay, well, be careful please.”

“Yes, dear.”

“I love you!”

“Love you, too, honey.”

“Oh, and don’t forget the pies!”

“I won’t dear, bye.” I hung up the call just as the plane was touching down. Invisible planes were truly a blessing for people in my line of work. I heard something about “rockets” behind me. You don’t have to yell “rockets” at me twice to get me out of Dodge. I jumped onto the back of the plane as an RPG fired behind me. The rocket slid just under the plane as we took off. An explosion set off in the distance as cars became melted metal.

I grabbed a seat in the back of the plane. Everything now was a cakewalk and a half. The codes all checked out and I grabbed some well-deserved shuteye. We didn’t land back home until eight o’clock the next morning. I didn’t know if I was happier to be home or to see Jane. She ran out front to meet me as snow fell around us. It was a picture perfect moment, like something out of an expensive snowglobe.

Well, at least it was for a moment.

“Honey,” she said, “where are the pies?”

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